grateful. [trigger warning]
Sitting in the treehouse this morning, drinking tea with Neil-bee honey in it.
I didn’t really know how many people would see my post yesterday,
Was very lucky to have such a supporter in NG.
so many people are revealing to me their secret stories, steeped in societal shame, fearful of judgment, some have buried their past so far, now i know what Neil means by trigger alert. I read them all. I cried.
In my case, I was hurt by someone I didn’t know, had never seen, but the resulting shame was no less. The mental debates: “why couldn’t I fight?” “why did he pick me?” and even more confusing, “why would I get pregnant?”
I didn’t have a boyfriend at the time, wasn’t on any birth control, and was given the morning-after pill with a heavy dose of disapproval. The police were sure they had the guy and I knew they didn’t. He wasn’t in that line-up and they were very annoyed with me for not pinning it on the guy they liked. I will never forget that person’s face. He wasn’t there.
Yesterday I sat and made my comic book glass candy bars all afternoon, stopping every so often to read some more stories, notes of love and encouragement.
Modern therapy. It works.
My family came out in support, in such a way—so very grateful. People had known vaguely something “bad” had happened but never read it in my words. I was in San Diego, at the time and was very far away from my family on the east coast. I had a shattered kneecap, from a motorcycle accident, so I was already a wounded bird. Just a dumb kid, thinking she could do it all.
Each one of your stories was a puzzle piece back into my chipped-away spirit.
“He jests at scars that never felt a wound…” –WS.
That politicians are making this a debate, I am fearful for the future of our country. I can’t say voting will solve anything, i wish, i hope, but….it’s our right and our duty.
I was able to terminate my pregnancy, that mythical unicorn-story of pregnancy rape, to hear some tell it, and even back then, I had to go through counseling/group and I couldn’t face what really happened, even then, people cast a unbelieving eye.
So I lied. I told them what they were more comfortable hearing—conjured a fake boyfriend and played the too-young age card. I didn’t want to say, well the morning-after pill may just have made a monster mash out of the already-damaged DNA blend. As humans, we do put ourselves through the ringer, don’t we?
I was the lucky one to have heartfelt men in my life, my Dad, my brothers—and i would never ever retreat into a “men-are-bad” world. Men are one of the best inventions in the world. I adore them. Drew, my amazing Wookie-tall, Game of Thrones-looking husband, has saved me a million times, and he is the one that holds me when I wake up in the night, scared. He’s a roadie too, so we spend time apart and each time is a jewel-new meeting.
Now it’s time for me to give more back to these people reaching out, those who don’t have a light at the end of their tunnels yet.
I have always sent money to them, but now am going to go and volunteer with RAINN, Tori Amos’s survivor network.
I don’t know that tumblr is meant for this type of thing, but i guess i could only do it here, it felt safe.
for that i thank you all, loves.